Its All Good

My 1997 Intel processor

I don’t know how to explain my crazy brain other than a brand spankin’ new computer that accidently had the wrong Intel processor put in….no premium processor here.  The computer looks great, has the latest and greatest apps, but the processor is slower than molasses in January.  At times you swear you were back in the dial up days that the processor is so slow.  That is my brain…at least for the past 6 and half years.   I’m ok with it most days but some days I’d like to chuck the processor against the wall. Only problem with that is it’s my head.

It’s tough being a woman with hormones, a family to jungle, the weight of the world on your shoulders (hello, you worry about everything even if you try not to) and you swear your mind is going to short circuit.  Try explaining this to a man. (no offense dad) 

When I was explaining to Nick last night that his last minute decision to ref a middle school basketball game had repercussions that I had to pick up and my brain doesn’t just switch modes very easily.  Last minute decisions are my kryptonite. Maybe I need to explain it like that, but he wasn’t really into Superman really…anyway.  Superman collapses in the presents of it and I literally freak out inside.  My mind is working overtime to figure out what end it up.  It may look like I’m all there, but my crappy 1997 Intel processor is about to freeze up.  There is no way to replace this oh so wonderful processor so all you can do is make do with it…right?

Not so easy.  How does one set boundaries?  How does one teach others that it’s not possible for this mama to keep up? Ah, the million dollar question….to be continued….      

Griffey bear kisses

I love kisses; love getting kisses, love giving kisses….that is from my husband and kids.  Every once in a while I have to sneak in kisses but for the most part I don’t have to ask.  I just go in for the kill…Fin is the most receptive. Matter of fact, it worries me for the future.  Griffey is the only one who is hard to get kisses from and well I think that is coming to a close.  He is getting the concept…minus the peck.  He gives those cute toddler open mouth kisses that only a parent or grandparent really loves….who else wants to get slobber all over from a toddler?  Really.

Over the past few weeks, Griffey has been leaning in a bit when you give him little kisses.  He’s really only got the lean down but oh, it just makes this mama’s heart leap bounds when he gives his sloppy kisses.  We were rocking before bed with his head on my shoulder, and he just sat up and gave me a sweet kiss.  He then looked at me, smiled and then laid his head back down.  That kiss was just as amazing as if he were to say “I love you mom”.  That will forever be ingrained in my mind.

The other night Nick took a quick video of Griffey before we went up to bed so he could get a few seconds of Griffey blowing kisses and saying bye bye.  Dang, I have the cutest kids.

 

Even steven

15 month check up a month late...what else is new?  I know what’s new!  Nick took Griffey this time.  Oh, all things work together for good….with very little vacation or sick time available for me right now, Nick proposed that he take Griffey to the doctor so I wouldn’t have to take time off of work.   A heavenly choir started singing in my head when he offered.  Heck ya!  I jumped all over that and then asked since he was in the offering mood if he would also take Griffey to the dentist next week for his first appointment.  I don’t know what just happened, but I got two appointments covered without taking time off.   Thank you God!

Tuesday was Griffey’s check up and I have to admit that I had mixed feelings;  I wanted to be there to hear about how well Griffey was doing, but I didn’t want to actually have to go to the doctor’s office to hear it...aka…sick germs and screaming kids…no thanks.  I only know how to tune out my own kid’s screams and most of the time, it’s just Fin’s.  The feeling that surpassed the mixed guilt was that Nick shared the responsibility.  With no football or baseball, he was able to step up to the plate and that alone was worth missing out on the doctor’s appointment.  It wasn’t a milestone that I missed out on of Griffey’s just a doctor’s appointment to mark his milestones.  Nick and I hit a milestone more than Griffey.  I could get use to this and baseball season is right around the corner….darn it, just when things are getting “even” again.

I got the full report of height, weight, Dr. Tom was impressed with his pearly whites and ear tubes are working perfectly (Nick told Dr. Tom to knock on wood).  And to top things off, they hooked Fin up with a flu shot since he missed out on his at daycare this winter.  Griffey is 22 lbs 15 oz, 31.5 inches long…he’s growing into the 30 percentile for both. As for his head he's at the 90th percentile... no wonder we have a hard time putting shirts over his head.  He needs to put all that Great Harvest whole wheat toast with peanut butter he loves to mow down into his tummy instead of it all going to his head.

A pair for 2

Nick and I both grew up playing lots of card games with our families, we’d play cards with friends on Saturday nights and play cards with Fin…do you think we played just us two?  Nope.  Funny don’t you think?  An activity both of us resonates with and have such fond memories of with our families, but we never do just us too.  We’re trying something new….playing cards just us two.

Nick and his dad, Craig play cribbage like it’s going out of style whenever they get together.  There is a cribbage board wherever we go to visit and the second the boys are in bed that cribbage board comes out.   When Nick’s parents left after Christmas I don’t think he wasn’t ready to put the cribbage board away so he asked if I wanted to learn. 

Now, I’m more of a strategy card player.  I like the long card games that I can snack, converse and get up to go to the bathroom if I have to.  I could care less if I win, I just like the community.  Nick from what I have gathered likes to play more of a just focus on the cards and plays games that are more quick thinking.  Plus to have to move those little pegs on a board that I can’t see super well.  Seriously, why do they make the holes so tiny?  My far sidedness gets worst every year I swear (can’t a girl get a break). 

I think I might be driving him crazy, but he keeps asking me to play.  I haven’t gotten to the point where I can play without showing my cards or where I don’ t need help so maybe he feels like he has the upper hand…doesn’t matter, I think we’re having fun.   Beat sitting in front of the TV on a Saturday night.

NO WHINING!

I think I need to get this printed even though Fin will finish the sentence as soon as I start it.  Let's just say we have been working on whining this weekend and it wasn't pretty.

Who teaches who?

Fin putting together his nativity set from granny and papa motorcycle in his room. (it's still up just like mine is)

Listening to Finley pray is one of the most humbling favorite things in my life.  Whether it’s a dinner time prayer or if it’s his bedtime prayer; it’s music to my ears.   My heart just wants to jump out of my chest…gives me a clue of what God must feel when we pray.  And those nights when he hustle through a prayer drives me crazy.  

Listening to Fin being honest and himself in his prayers reminds me to be myself in mine. His prayers aren’t fancy, they are always for his family and friends (he’ll list everyone at daycare some nights), and sometimes throw in a little prayer for himself like “have a good day tomorrow”.   

Fin use to have me say our prayers and he would tell me who he wanted me to pray for or if he forgot beforehand he would add them in, it wasn’t until recently when I would ask him if he wanted to pray or have me, he would start right up.   

I’m not one to pray out loud without being nervous unless it’s with Fin or Griffey.  I don’t pray with Nick and I should.  I am getting a little more comfortable praying in my women’s group but still am very self conscious.  Why is it as an adult, I feel like I have to have fancy out loud prayers?  Where did we learn that? In my mind I tell myself that God loves me no matter what.  So why do I care about what my fellow church members think of me or my prayers? Will my simple conversation with God not make me look good enough?    

Oh,  yet another lesson I’m learning from my child while I think I’m the one teaching him. 

 

Kairos moments

I have a confession to make, I have not printed off any of Griffey’s pictures from the day he was born till now.  That’s exactly 16 months and 2 days…I’m embarrassed but I don’t think I’m the only one that has this same situation in their house.  It’s one of my goals next month to get done…upload pictures from May to December 2011 onto snapfish and order the last 2 years in pictures for the boy’s albums.  I don’t scrapbook the photos, they just go into a simple album so they can look at them…I just print off this blog to book form for a scrapbook.  Kill two birds with one stone right?

Well I don’t have a ton of pictures from the last two years like I did with Fin.  I admit that Griffin will not have as many pictures for him on my bookshelf.  Will he care, probably not but do I?  Yes, I have that mother guilt and you want to treat each of them fairly.

Over the Christmas vacation I tried to get some pictures of just him doing his thing.  It was so nice with extra hands around the house to help that I could just focus and play with Griffey.  I secretly miss those times where you could sit there and just watch and soak them up.  I could just sit in awe of both the boys if only they would let me.  I love the picture of Griffey putting his measuring cups in his scooter trunk.  I love his little hands grasping the cup, the back of his neck where it meets his head, his baby soft blonde hair, the way he sits (I sit the same way and it drives Nick crazy) and how his cheeks are so plump. Those are the moments that a fellow mom calls Kairos moments.  Those moments that you look at your children and wonder how lucky you are to have them, how you want to just squeeze them to never let go, to just want to close your eyes and never leave the moment.

 

Changing my default setting

With the last book I read being “One Thousand Gifts” I was educated on how to be in relationship or communion with God and finding His blessings in the mundane everyday life. I fully admit that my default setting of when things are mundane or when things don’t go my way is frustration, annoyance and feeling entitled.  This book challenged me because I am typically a positive person but what I learned was positive does not equal thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is directly linked to God….you are consciously giving God praise. 

When I started the book I started making a list of the things throughout the day I was thankful for.  Some days are better than others to actually write them down but I find it slowing down time which is kind of an oxymoron. But it’s actually true…you find what’s more important and focus on those things instead.  I’m working on this and will always have to work on it but it does work.  I knew it worked Sunday morning. 

Griffin decided to greet the day with his toothless smile at 6am.  Nick was in bed with a miserable sinus infection and Fin started shows some signs of Scarlet Fever (yes, scarlet fever….last time I saw or heard those words were in my favorite book in Jr. high Little Women.)  The morning was busy finding a sub for Nick and his Sunday school class, keep Fin from touching anything especially his brother, and getting Griffey fed before his naptime were to arise. 

Fin was relaxing on the couch watching Mr. Popper’s Penguins so I took the opportunity to get Griffey dressed from church so we could at least go and leave the sickies at home.  I was buttoning up Griffey’s dress shirt and I ask him and God in a curious voice, “So where exactly is the thanksgiving in this?”  Griffey just continued to try chewing on the collar of his shirt while I pondered.  I gave a little thanksgiving to God for Mr. Popper’s Penguins being a hit while I walked out of Griffey’s room to wake Nick up to “move” him to the couch with Fin. It’s the little things right? 

Griffey and I were out the door and we were actually on time.  I was excited to be able to go to church….ding ding ding!  That was thanksgiving number 1.  During the service welcome I realized thanksgiving 2 & 3 was being able to openly worship and that luckily I can get medicine for my sick family waiting it out on the couch at home.  It didn’t come instantly when I asked God the question but the question was answered naturally.  Shockingly the whole morning I wasn’t feeling nor hiding my frustration or annoyance like I’ve been known to do….this became my thanksgiving 4.

Well I’d like to say that I felt it all day, but I totally have to admit I forgot to keep searching for the thanksgiving after lunch.  A run to Quickcare (no scarlet fever by the way), the pharmacy and both boys getting a bit of cabin fever I fell back into my default…entitlement (to have a nice Sunday evening gall darn it) and frustrated I didn’t get my list of to do’s done. 

Well, I guess I can put grace down for my thanksgiving list of today that I get to try it over again, again, again and again.  No sense in beating myself up about it. 

I have a dream

I heard this on my favorite radio station this morning while at work (yes, we did work today even if i work for the government...we exchange it for a day off after Thanksgiving. Personally I think I'm  remembering MLK Jr. more today at work than I would be at home with my sick husband and kids.  anyway, you have to listen to this song, it's by The City Hermonic.  I wish this was on itunes. 

Listening to this song and reflecting on how this world would be completely different without Martin Luther King Jr.  I can't even grasp it all so I'm not going to try.  I'm going to just take a moment to soak up the thanksgiving.

Favorite MLK Jr. quote....."Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction...The chain reaction of evil -- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." Strength To Love, 1963